Baby Steps

After a nice long weekend with the girls (women's retreat) I have come to realize that so much of what I do, of who I am, has been based on lies. Now I am not talking about a switched at birth story or anything like that. I am talking about lies that were instilled in me as a child. Some of these lies----ok, most of these lies...........wait. Let me regroup.......

These lies were not passed on to me to intentionally screw me up. These lies were created because of someone elses pains. I was able to forgive these people, and break these curses last weekend. Now I am rebuilding my identity.

Seems pretty deep now that I spell it all out, doesn't it? This would explain my extreme exhaustion. Not an excuse to let the dishes pile up, but I will be making an attempt to allow myself some time for grieving.

For the first time in 31 years I was able to allow my mother to rest in peace. She died when I was 11, and I was not able to let her go then. I have carried her around all my life, sometimes with peace and love, sometimes with anger and rejection. She did not want to leave me. I know this. She was a wonderful other of 6. She loved all her kids and she only wanted to help people. That would explain why she married 4 alcoholics. She only wanted to love them and make them better.......she did not understand that she could not fix it.

So letting my mother go was just one part of the weekend, and I will be addressing the other issues as I move along. But it's baby steps, and tumbles, scraped knees and all.

I am not alone though. Jesus had his arms wrapped around me when my mother died, although I did not understand that at the time. And he is with me know helping me through this and helping me understand the person God created.