Wednesday in the Word

This is my favorite Psalms, and I often go back to it. Today it is my prayer, with my adlibs.

Psalm 40
1-3 I waited and waited and waited for God. At last he looked; finally he listened.

Or maybe I just started to listen!

He lifted me out of the ditch, pulled me from deep mud.

The mud of my worldly life that was smoothering me.

He stood me up on a solid rock to make sure I wouldn't slip.

I am surrounded with women of God who support me on all sides.

He taught me how to sing the latest God-song, a praise-song to our God.

Singing to HIM, not listening to my notes.

More and more people are seeing this: they enter the mystery,

abandoning themselves to God.

I pray that we do not get distracted

4-5 Blessed are you who give yourselves over to God,

turn your backs on the world's "sure thing," ignore what the world worships;

Protect us from our false idols that we are turning away from

The world's a huge stockpile of God-wonders and God-thoughts.

I just need to keep listening to YOU

Nothing and no one comes close to you!

I start talking about you, telling what I know, and quickly run out of words.

Neither numbers nor words account for you.

But that does not make me inferior, You will give me the words when I listen.

6 Doing something for you, bringing something to you—that's not what you're after.

How quick I value myself on my 'doings'

Being religious, acting pious— that's not what you're asking for.

Religionosity is a false idol.

You've opened my ears so I can listen.

I pray that you help me keep them open.

Baby Steps

After a nice long weekend with the girls (women's retreat) I have come to realize that so much of what I do, of who I am, has been based on lies. Now I am not talking about a switched at birth story or anything like that. I am talking about lies that were instilled in me as a child. Some of these lies----ok, most of these lies...........wait. Let me regroup.......

These lies were not passed on to me to intentionally screw me up. These lies were created because of someone elses pains. I was able to forgive these people, and break these curses last weekend. Now I am rebuilding my identity.

Seems pretty deep now that I spell it all out, doesn't it? This would explain my extreme exhaustion. Not an excuse to let the dishes pile up, but I will be making an attempt to allow myself some time for grieving.

For the first time in 31 years I was able to allow my mother to rest in peace. She died when I was 11, and I was not able to let her go then. I have carried her around all my life, sometimes with peace and love, sometimes with anger and rejection. She did not want to leave me. I know this. She was a wonderful other of 6. She loved all her kids and she only wanted to help people. That would explain why she married 4 alcoholics. She only wanted to love them and make them better.......she did not understand that she could not fix it.

So letting my mother go was just one part of the weekend, and I will be addressing the other issues as I move along. But it's baby steps, and tumbles, scraped knees and all.

I am not alone though. Jesus had his arms wrapped around me when my mother died, although I did not understand that at the time. And he is with me know helping me through this and helping me understand the person God created.